Wearing my Heart on My Face: How Covering My Face with Makeup Exposed The Real Me and Allowed Me To Begin Loving Myself

I remember when I was a teenager…it was a time when I hated the reflection staring back at me in the mirror; it didn’t please me.

I looked in the mirror to brush my teeth, fix my hair, or to spot on a bit of makeup; I did these things quickly and when I didn’t have to look in the mirror, I wouldn’t.

Keeping my head down while walking into a bathroom with a trifold mirror and a bright full length one behind the door felt much more comfortable than looking up most of the time.

You’re a nerd because you wear glasses. 

No one likes you because you’re fat. 

That pimple makes you look really gross. 

Your hair is too curly. Straighten it!

Mom and Dad only say you’re pretty because they have to. What do they know?

You’re fatter than the other girls in class. 

You’re too dark. 

Cameras hate you. 

Did I mention you were FAT?!!!!

My inner voice was both powerful and cruel. I judged myself harshly (and I can admit that sometimes I still do).

One day though, a boy that I knew very well in school, told me “You’re beautiful just the way you are.” I’ll never forget him because of that reason alone and he likely had no idea how much that meant to me at the time. One compliment can really go a long way.

Now what does makeup have to do with any of this? Well…everything.

makeup palette

I have always admired makeup. The different textures, the smells (I actually smell all the makeup I purchase..it’s a habit!), how it feels in my hand and when I was really young I liked experimenting with it. Colors are mesmerizing; they all symbolize something different. Red is passionate, pink is cute, black is strong, blue is peaceful, yellow is tender, purple is soothing. Then there’s red-pink, blue-green, yellow-orange, mauve, lilac, champagne, nude. Oh my! I loved it! The names to describe colors were creative and I always felt like so much work went into each bottle of foundation, each loose powder or nail polish.

During puberty though, when my self-esteem was low and my self-judgement was high, I thought makeup could help hide everything I hated about myself. I could close in on myself and feel safe. It wasn’t until later that I realized that something only hides you if you let it. Makeup doesn’t have to conceal you as person. Sure, it can cover up a spot or two, but now as an adult, makeup lets the real me shine through.

Makeup allows me to be an individual; It showcases my creativity and my fearlessness. It welcomes others to see that I have an artistic and daring side. It allows me to be open and vulnerable and depending on the colors I use or how I apply them, I’m telling others who I am without ever opening my mouth. I love that feeling! Like I said, colors are very expressive. I see them as non-verbal cues to describe how I’m feeling or the side of me that I want to portray for the day.

For example, blue and teal shadow, thick black liner, loads of mascara...

…..I’m telling you, look at my eyes and find yourself in them. Relate to me so I can connect with you and I’ll soothe you. 

makeup brushesMy face is my canvas and to me that is extremely powerful.

Makeup helped me to cope with my low self-esteem because it allowed me to show who I am on the inside to the rest of the world. Ironically, covering my face exposed me.

I wear my heart on my face

Women are judged far too harshly to begin with and we’re expected to look a certain way and if we don’t fit that bill we’re quickly labeled as “ugly” or “lazy.” I’ve learned to reject this and accept who I am. Yes, I’m not always 100% secure, but I try to remind myself of this:

Oscar Wilde said: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

oscar wilde
That’s Oscar Wilde by the way!

 

Isn’t it beyond cool to realize that NO ONE else in the ENTIRE WORLD can be like you?!?!

unicorn
Unicorns are U-nique! Get it? 🙂

Think about that for a moment and you’ll realize how magical that is!! We’re all basically unicorns…..or mermaids! Lol! Or any other magical creature you want to be!

 

I’ve become much more confident as I continued to realize the power that makeup holds for me. To apply it well, I was forced to look in the mirror every day and truly study the angles, lines, spots, and any imperfections on my face. I grew to appreciate my imperfections because they make me unique; wrinkly eyelids and all.

mirror looking in

I’m used to my face since I’ve studied it for quite some time now and I actually really like it. Changing my makeup looks allow me to see myself in a new light. I learn and try new products frequently because I’m constantly learning more about myself and growing as a person and my makeup is here for my life roller coaster.

andreas choice
Andrea Brooks from AndreasChoice. One of my absolute favorite beauty YouTubers!

sephora imageI admire makeup artists, and I like shopping at beauty stores. I watch beauty bloggers/vloggers because to me, their strength lies in the what they do to their face and I admire that they’re not afraid to expose themselves. They seem to feel stronger after applying their makeup. It doesn’t always have to do with a lack of confidence, it could be that they’re SO confident that ULTA_Beauty_Logothey want to show off their creativity, vulnerabilities, and feelings with people they know and love and even strangers!

I hope to eventually improve my makeup artistry skills and to one day  venture into marketing/advertising; maybe I’ll change what people’s perception of beauty is. Anything is possible! I just know that I want to leave a little sparkle wherever I go!

With this blog, I want to prove that wearing your heart on your face can allow you to blossom into your truest self and eventually lead to your own liberation and self-acceptance.

wear your heart

So, Geeky Beauts…I hope you’ve enjoyed my story! Please feel free to share yours!!

xo Ayana 

 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. This was so beautiful and moving to read. Ever since you mentioned this in my comments I have been eager to read more into it so I’m so glad you dedicated a full blog piece to this mantra you live by.

    A lot of people view makeup as a negative, like it’s something you use if you’re insecure etc and while that is the case sometimes i think its amazing to think of it as a way of self expression. It really is an artform, and to this day i am stunned by the transformations i see not only on the outside but the inside as well because of makeup.

    This kind of attitude is so amazing to have. I’ve battled with self confidence for a long time and its so nice knowing you’re not alone in just trying the best you can. Wish you all the best with the blog and can’t wait to read more of your stuff!

    Laura xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. geekybeaut says:

    Wow! This comment was amazing! I truly appreciate that you took the time to read through my post.

    It is really nice to know that there are like minded individuals when it comes to makeup. I really enjoy being creative and expressing myself with colors and writing about personal things. It’s almost therapeutic as well.

    I like that you focus a lot on pictures in your blog, it’s super eye catching and yes self-confidence is definitely a huge struggle. I’m happy that you keep working on it because that’s all people can really do is improve and be their best self. I like that you used the word “battle” because people always lose if they don’t bother to fight.Your persistence is bad ass!! Lol.

    You seem really genuine and I’ll be looking forward to more posts from you 🙂

    xo Ayana

    Like

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